I am a supporter of people.  Whether it be helping encourage them to be there best, supporting them in dark times and everything in between.   I am also a watcher of people and behaviors.   I believe we have the ability to pick up on other people’s patterns and potentially help nudge them when they need it.   Sometimes when you see someone acting out of their norm, asking three little words, “How are you” or “Are you OK” can change their day.  Or perhaps their week. 

Let me back up…

For most of my life, I’ve worked out from my home gym.  I have the makes of a full gym in my house.  I appreciate the ability of being able to throw on my workout gear, walk downstairs and get to work.  About six months ago, I made the decision to get a gym membership.  My hope was that it would give me the equipment to take my workouts to the next level with increased weight and other equipment.  It just doesn’t make sense to invest in certain equipment for my home gym, at least to me.   Since joining, I’ve appreciated the additional equipment but also the comradery of the gym and every single person that I have had the pleasure of meeting.  Now to get a full idea of my gym commitment, you should know I am in the gym 6 days a week, without miss. 

But, for almost three weeks now, I have not set foot in the gym where my membership is located.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my workout commitments have not slowed down.  Here’s the scoop, I keep dumbbells in my living room, yes, I am that person.  About three weeks ago, foot met dumbbell, you see where I’m going with this.  You guys it hurt truly hurt to put shoes on.  I’m pretty sure I broke it but ah, you deal with it.  Yet, I was in “my” gym every morning, barefoot most days, over the last three weeks to get my workout in.  

Jen, what’s the point you ask?

See, for nearly six months, I was at the “gym” at least five to six days a week.   And, when I’m traveling, you bet I am finding somewhere to work out.  I see my regular “fellow gym members” every morning, yes, every weekday morning by 3:30a.m., I’m there.  And, of course like most gyms this one has your regular trainers. 

Here is the interesting thing, as a gym, you would think someone noticed I was no longer following my routine.  Image if the ownership or even trainer would have sent a quick message.  You guys, this is our chance, this is our opportunity to catch people who are not showing their normal behavior and ask those three little words, “Are you OK” “we haven’t seen you in a while.  If we could catch people when they get into a funk or worse fall into anxiety or depression, we could help them out just by showing someone cares.  It could also lead us to knowing if they need some suggestions or a nudge.   See, I may be naïve in saying this but, I image a world where we do this more, consistently, we show people we care!   Aside from the fact that this is just good human behavior, as a business wouldn’t you want to show your members you care? Image the dedication I would have to this particular location if someone would have reached out or maybe a quick text.

Please do not get me wrong I am not trying to disrespect my gym or anyone in it which is why I have left out key names.  This is simply an example of an experience I had and what others may feel when they are at a low.    Life can be intimidating, we have absolutely no idea how much strength it is taking anyone to do what they are doing.  Whether it be in the gym, salon, grocery, restaurant, work, or wherever.   

If you see someone and they seem to be out of their normal behavior give them an ask, you never know when someone needs it.

Stay well friends,

Jen

See, I have a demon in my head, the voice, that inner critic.  You know the one, the one that often starts with “you can’t” or “it’s just one piece” or maybe even “you’re not that good”.  I’ve had each and every one of these and probably hundreds of others throughout the years.   The one that has screamed at me most is that of my weight and body image.  This one for me tends to lead into other areas but the culprit, yep, it’s all about the weight. To give you a snapshot, I’ve been 305, I’ve been 140 and I’ve lived everywhere in between. 

Forty-two years my friends.   Forty-two years of negative body image self-talk.  Oh my gosh to even write that makes me want to tell the world how important it is that we be kind to ourselves.  See for most of my life, I was that person who would look in the mirror and criticize every single part of me. I never needed anyone else to, I was good enough at doing it myself.  And, other people sure didn’t help.   Looking in the mirror, picking myself apart, “look at that spare tire”, “oh my, your muffin tops getting huge”, or even worse would sneak in, “what boy could ever possibly like you”.  Then of course I would have to look at my face, “your smile really look at those imperfect teeth” and “chubby baby cheeks” and “come on those wiggly arms”.  Friends, it’s really quite sad what we are willing to say to ourselves.    I would never even consider talking to anyone like this.

Most of my growing up years, I was overweight.  At some points I was probably classified as “Obese”.  I remember it clearly, doctors saying when I was young, your overweight, your obese with no care to understand the why’s or help me get the right mental state of mind to overcome for life.    I ate my feelings, I would eat when I was happy, eat when I was sad, I think you get the point.   When others would criticize my size, it would make me eat more.  I was that person who would hide food, so no one would see me eat.   But, I was always active and very outgoing.  I was ambitious, put myself out there to talk to new people, all the time.  If there was a boy I liked, oh he knew it.  And, any fundraiser we did for school or extra curriculars, that’s right I was going for first.  Food was my one, the one I couldn’t control, the demon in my head who has always told me I am not good enough or strong enough or worthy enough to be fit.  At the times I got fit, I didn’t see it, at times I was even harder on myself.  No weight or physical appearance was good enough.   

Let’s speed it up to my early twenties. By this time I had lost close to 100 pounds.  My max weight shortly after high school was about 305 or so.  I’m certain the weightloss had something to do with no  longer sitting on my butt all day in school.  I was on the go all the time.  I don’t remember changing my eating habits all that much at this point.  Of Course, once I hit 21, it was dancing every night in the clubs that burned mad calories.  Still at just over 200 pounds and still classified as “Overweight”, yes sad, we classify people.  I was horrible to myself.  The compliments I would get were amazing.  Yet, I never took them, I would criticize what I still had to do.  “Still have 50 pounds to go or look at this gut, wiggling it” . You guys if I ever heard someone talking to themselves like this I would help and redirect.  Why on earth would we talk to ourselves like this?

Over the course of my twenties and early thirties I did drop that last 50 and them some.  I ended up getting to about 140 which was a bit too small for me.  What no one knew is I don’t recall at any point feeling good about how I looked.  Compliments would still give me that, “but look at this pooch” thought.  Even as I write this my heart hurts for every single person out there who has yet to learn how to appreciate and be gracious for the things you have accomplished in life.  And to appreciate how far you have come.  During these times I had some pretty good swings up and down.  I would range about a 20-30 pound swing from 150-180 at any given time.  Don’t get me wrong, I had some pretty awesome feeling moments looking at my tanned self in a size 6 daisy dukes.  And at my High-school reunion oh yeah it was on!  In a little mini skirt with my hottie by my side whoa, to all the haters in high school, it made me feel amazing to know how far I had come.   This would have been my chance, my chance to redirect, change the path to positive.  If we could help others to get there, help redirect how they look at themselves.  Boys and girls alike would have far less self-image struggles. 
 
Part is from what I saw and heard growing up.  I LOVE my family dearly and so say this with only the most love, I saw my mom cut herself down in regards to her weight as long as I can remember. If someone would have helped shape her image perhaps it would have changed the trajectory for me.  Of course, the “Jenny really are you eating that” or “we should take you to the fat farm” never helped.    

Forty two years my friends that’s my age today and it wasn’t until recently that I finally started working on how I talk to myself in the mirror each day as it relates to my weight and how I look and talk to myself about myself.  The great news for all of us, we can change at any point in our lives and start directing those thoughts in an empowering positive way. 

Whether your negative is weight related or something else here are a few tips that I use for me. 

• Negative talk truly does become our reality.  You are telling yourself exactly the person you are, what you look like, etc.   How do you want your story to lead?  See, our brains are such a powerful thing and your brain isn’t going to call itself a liar.  It is so critical if you want to change catch the negative and redirect it.  Start asking yourself, is this true? Is it empowering me or dis-empowering me?  Be sure you are not letting it define you.  As an example, you overate is far different then telling yourself you are an over-eater.
• I put sticky notes all over.  Especially in the kitchen and bathroom.  These little reminders are great in places you need the self-encouragement.  A couple of my current ones are, “I am worthy”, “I am Brave and Confident”.  I am statements are great to promote a strong sense of self and self-confidence.  I tend to put statements in areas that I know I need most in my life right now.   For example, the two that I listed are both reminders for me as I work to grow my business.
• I write things on my bathroom mirror.  Yep that’s right.  For me, as I’m working to redirect all of those negative self-deprecating comments, I keep two words written on my mirror. My current, “Hello Gorgeous” and “faith”.  It sure is hard to criticize yourself when you are looking at these words.
• I know my food triggers and what sets me into a bad spiral of not being able to shut my hunger off.  See when I have a cheat meal if I am in the wrong frame of mind or have foods that I know make me want more, a cheat meal can turn into a cheat weekend.   For my body type when I have a cheat meal it truly can swing my weight 5-8 pounds overnight.   For years any time I would have a cheat meal I would truly beat myself up to no end.  The demon came on so strong.   “you are weak”, “You’re not strong enough to be fit” and a number of other words that I won’t hurt myself by repeating.  Looking back it is truly self-fulfilling.  The hurt I caused myself, I hope to help prevent others from ever feeling.
• Learn the healthy foods that can satisfy your “junk food” hunger.  For me a couple of these are 70% or better pure dark chocolate, blueberries, or Greek yogurt with a bit of salted caramel protein and almond butter. 
• Be ready to remind yourself of the story you are working to build when the demon comes in strong.  For example, I am a strong-willed person who cares greatly about her weight and health.  I don’t need junk food to satisfy my urges.  I can satisfy my hunger with a walk or yoga to clear my mind. 
• Give gratitude.  For me, I give gratitude for my body, being able and driven to workout every day, having the strength and stamina.   Every morning when I write in my gratitude journal and work on visualizing my story this is a strong area.  Sincere appreciation for what our mind and body are capable of. 
• Ask yourself, is this thought serving me in any way?  If not, release that thought and change it with at least 3-5 positive thoughts.

You are a strong person able to change in any way you choose, I believe in you.  If you ever need a boost drop me a line, I got your back!
 
Always remember how good you really are!!

Much love friends!

Jen

This little word has held me back in so many areas throughout the years and caused so much anxiety.  Truth is, this one word describes part of why it took me so long to get started with Jen’s Happy Mail and this blog.  We have all heard the comments, “don’t compare yourself”, “be yourself”, “we love you just the way you are” and I’m sure a lot of others.   I’m here to say that anyone who has told you these things is exactly right, and they left out that fact that it’s freakin’ hard.  The voices sneak in and if you don’t catch them quickly, yep there is the rabbit hole of negative.  But, Why?  We are all truly better and more capable then we let ourselves believe so why do we let the accomplishments of others slow us in our tracks.  Yes, they are accomplishments, great for them for doing whatever it is they have done.  We have no idea what it took for them to get to where they are.  Let’s celebrate the wins that they have had.  We should start looking at this as a goal, a target, a “that’s my goal”!  So why do we do it?

Let’s start by looking at what comparison does.

• It robs us of our happiness.  That’s right I said it, when you compare yourself it often can cause anxiety, second guessing, cutting yourself down among other things.  Believe me I get it. I have to be actively aware, every day, of what my brain is saying so I don’t give into the self-critical talk. 
• It can rob you of your dreams and ambitions.  You guys I waited on the idea of Jen’s Happy Mail and all the other lines of business that I will be rolling out in large part because of comparison.   All of the negative self-talk would creep in, “I am not that good”, “How could I possibly compete with that”, “they have better resources”, I could keep going on this one but I think you get the point.   The comparison voice would start and it would end with me cutting myself down in the most horrible ways.  I heard the best statement recently and it rang so true, “You would NEVER talk to someone else like that, why would you talk to yourself like that?”  It’s true, I would never consider talking to anyone in the ways I talk to myself.  We need to be kind to ourselves.   
• It takes away from us showing our authentic selves.  This one took me years.  I have been in corporate America and leadership roles for a very long time and for many years I put on a mask.  I didn’t show up as my authentic self.  And what did it do for me, nothing, the answer is nothing.  First, it caused me a crazy amount of stress and anxiety.  This can have a huge impact on the body, emotions, thyroid among other things.  Some studies suggest that chronic stress is a large environmental factor that can cause cancer.  Friends, I am a survivor of Thyroid Cancer, and I absolutely believe that chronic stress and anxiety was a factor.  Disease after all is “Dis-Ease” in the body.  There are so many tools and resources to help in this area.  I know it’s hard but trust me when I say, you can reduce the stress and anxiety in your life.
•  It sets a poor expectation for our kids.  I am a proud mom to a now grown young man.  I’m not proud to say I cut myself down and criticized myself in front of him for most of his young years.  Had I of known then what I know now, I would have never spoken to myself like that certainly not in front of him.  His whole life, I’ve told him, “you can do anything you want with your life”, “you got this”, “be yourself”, “your amazing” and yet with all of these words, I wasn’t saying these same things to myself, Ugh…

OK, so we know the impact or at least some of the ways it can impact us, what can we do about it?  First things first, don’t stress yourself more about it, start shifting, small wins.   It’s all about progress not perfection.

• Recognize when it happens, awareness is key!  This for me is the first and most important piece.  If I can catch when I start comparing, I can quickly redirect those thoughts.  Determine on your terms how to put perspective on it.  We all work a bit differently.   For me, the thing that works best is to give gratitude to myself for being able to recognize it.  Directly followed by this is acknowledging the accomplishments of that person.  Great for them, they had to of worked really hard on to (insert whatever that something is here). 
• Put it in perspective, some comparison can be good as long as it doesn’t jump into envy or negative self-talk.  As an example, when I’m at the gym I will watch the other members who have better tone in areas I am working on.  I will pay attention, to some extent, what routines they are doing to help know what I should work on or research to get similar results.   This is also one I must be aware of.  I quickly remind myself of my personal goals.  I am a strong Type A person, I like to win and I like to get results quickly.  I put my goals and action steps in perspective along with what I am doing to get to where I want to be.  This helps stay out of the comparison zone.
• Be aware of your social media use and how it impacts your self-talk.  Know your triggers. This is so important.   I turn off posts and sponsored ads that tend to send me to comparison or self-doubt.  I stopped looking at my followers on Instagram.  This one fluctuates so much it’s easy to get a woot..woot… I grew my following by 100 then the next day down by 50.  Apparently, this is normal but trust me when I say if you are building a following and you struggle with comparison or negative self-talk, don’t watch it.
• Practice Gratitude for who you are, what you have and the accomplishments you made.  I recently read an article that gave well over 25 ways that giving gratitude is healthy and can change your life.  For me, practicing daily gratitude has truly changed me.  It has cut down my anxiety and stress.  It gives me patience with people I tend to be challenged by.  And, as crazy as it may sound, it gives me focus on my goals.
• Use it for motivation or inspiration of what you would like to accomplish.

It’s time to stop allowing all the great things you have done and great things you have to offer be forgotten or go unnoticed by the false expectations you are putting on yourself by comparing yourself to others.

 Always remember you are pretty freakin’ amazing!!  
 
In the good words of Jen Sincero, “You are the only You there is.  And you are the only you that will ever be”. 

Be who you are, live your truth and go after the thing you want from life.

Much love friends!
Jen