Pay Attention...

It's not the load the breaks you down, it's the way you carry it!
-Lou Holtz

Last week Saturday, we received some devastating news, a close family friend lost his fight and took his own life.  Within days, a couple people shared stories of others who lost their fight in the past week.  It is with the heaviest of heart that I am writing this post today.   Friends, life can get on front of all of us, I know I get it, I’ve been there.   But there is a way out of the negative loop and on the other side, life gets really good.  First, if you are ever struggling and need an ear or a nudge or a lift, email me, call me, DM me, I’ll listen and be there ear you need.  If you are ever struggling or thinking about taking your life call the National suicide prevention lifeline, 1-800-273-8255.

Many of you know I’m working to bring as much awareness to and make an impact on anxiety, depression and loneliness in America.   Often when someone is struggling, they are reluctant to tell other people.  Or, share their struggles.  Whether it be because the perceived judgment, feeling the need to be strong for others around them, or other reasons.  This is where we have a great opportunity.   We can recognize when those close to us are struggling and ask, question or intervene in some way.

It was about three years ago I found myself in my “darkest hour”.  Looking back, it had been coming for a while.  For years, I criticized myself in so many ways from my weight to public speaking and several things in between.  It wasn’t until I took the time to start learning about how our brains work that I realized the impact this had on me.   For basically 30ish years of my life I would look in the mirror and criticize my weight, whether I was 305 or 140 I told myself I was fat, YIKES!  Each time I would have to speak in front of a group I would “mentally prepare” by telling myself how nervous I was, WHAT!  Now you can imagine how that impacted the actual day of.  A ball of sweat, nerves, shaky voice and questioning everything I said.   In addition to all of this, I hold myself to high standards as it relates to how I show up in life.   As a mom, wife, employee, friend, daughter, sister, etc.  This further escalated my stress and anxiety. 

The years, decades, of criticizing and second guessing started catching up in my late thirties right into forty.  I tried telling myself it was just the impact of no thyroid that was sucking the energy and positive out of me.  Fact is, I wasn’t dealing with all the negative thoughts that had been living in my head for nearly forty years.   At this point in life there was a lot of discord from my relationships, person health, work, etc.  It’s interesting how you can see things when you look back that are not as easy to see in the moment.   I had so many signs.  I was overly emotional almost irrational in moments that I would have previously been able to shake off.  I remember a day at my brother’s house.   To protect the privacy of my family I will spare details.  Long and short, when my sister arrived at the house and I went to greet her with a hug and a smile she said something that set me off.  Thirty years of being treated like I was “less than” by her caught up and I lost my shit, in front of everyone.  I was so frustrated; it came out in a way that was completely unlike me.  I got Boe and left.  Tears, shaky, in haste and frustration.  Cried the whole way home.  You should know this is completely unlike who I am as a person.   For the most, I am a pretty patient person.  I was the grounded one.  The one who will address the tough things with tact and reasoning and patience.  The one who others could vent to and I would put in perspective.   The peacekeeper, keeping everyone together, talks to everyone when others are arguing, etc.   It takes a lot to get me worked up when I’m with my friends, family, etc.  At work, perhaps a bit less patient when it comes to expectations, accountabilities, etc. but still generally speaking not someone who would have reacted in this way, ever.

In addition to this moment, I started missing commitments with family.  I dropped off one of the committees I was on, those of you who know me best know I don’t quit, and commitments are super important to me.  I could keep going but I think you get the point, there were so many signs, at work, at home, with family, with friends.  I think because of the years of me being the tough, resilient one no one thought to question or ask if I was OK.  I truly had lost the will to keep going.  By the grace of whomever or whatever force had my back, I never acted on the thoughts I had in these moments.   I know the sheer power of being a mom and not leaving my son without was a driving force.  I’m very thankful that I am resilient, that helped me take my own steps of learning and digging out of where I was.  And, I’m proud to say, I am truly mentally and emotionally stronger than I have ever been. 
So, how do you know if someone is struggling? 

• First, always remember everyone’s story is different.  If someone is struggling, please do not discount their feelings.  This could be that moment that they need you to listen most.
• Extreme mood swings or emotional outbursts.  When this is out of character for them it is a good reason to question.
• Showing signs of depression.  This can be a range of behavioral or physical changes including weight loss or gain, self-esteem, changes in daily behavior, or changes in energy level.
• Significant behavioral changes such as withdrawing from activities, loss of interest in taking care of themselves, or use of drugs or alcohol are just a few to watch out for.
• Taking about or making plans to get affairs in order.
• Talking about suicide or talking about No future or “what’s the point”.  This one for me came out by being OK with whenever “it happened”. It meaning I no longer cared how many years I had left.   
• Feeling Alone (loneliness).

Sources: Readers Digest, National Suicide prevention line, Mayo Clinic, Suicideline.org

I must stress again, if you ever have thoughts of suicide please reach out to the National Suicide prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

So, how can you stay mentally strong?  As I mentioned earlier, I had been tearing myself down for so long, it caught up.  If I would have sought out or recognized earlier, I could have prevented myself from ever getting to this point.  It has taken me the past couple years to “reprogram” all the years of negative.   To this day there are areas I am still working on.  Here are a few things I’ve done to help me.

• Don’t go in it alone, get help, a close friend, family, coach, etc.  It’s a whole lot easier to put things in perspective when you have help.
• Pay attention to how you talk to yourself.  When you hear the negative thoughts get really clear on what you are going to do to redirect those thoughts.  An example, when I was redirecting my thoughts about public speaking, I started telling myself how excited I am to have the opportunity to teach others. 
• Practice gratitude, every morning, write down at least 3 things you are grateful for. 
• Every morning when you get up, write about all the positive things you are.  Yes, every morning write your “I Am” statements. 
• Write your “story”, what/who do you want to be?  How do you want to show up in the world?  Then ever night before you do to bed, read it, read it twice if you need to.  Make that story so very clear in your mind that you can see it playing out.  This is a great way to help your brain see the possible. 
• Get really clear on your personal expectations.  What are you willing to tolerate for relationships, work, etc.  What is your line in the sand?  What are you not OK with?  An example of this for me was not using my voice in moments I really wanted to.  I compromised my own wants/needs, opinions and thoughts.  Everyone’s voice deserves to be heard. 
• Meditate-Meditation is said to help promote emotional health, reduce stress, control anxiety among other things.  I tried several practices before pinpointing what worked best for me.  Just hop on YouTube, there are a plethora of free resources to try out.  Two of them I highly recommend are Dr. Deepak Chopra and Vishen Lakhiani.  

In addition to these there are several great books I’ve read and tips I have used.  If you ever want my book list, drop me a line.

You are an amazing beautiful being my friend, be kind to yourself and give yourself a break!  Tough times really don’t last, and you can change them.  You do you, amazingly you!

Stay well,
Jen